god, you got some 'splainin to do...

i'm having post traumatic surgery disorder.

it seems somewhat like post-partum depression, except i have no baby to show for it. i don't know whether to be happy about that or not.

so not only do i now have no friends to hang with on the weekend unless i go out of town to find them, no health & no violin, i'm crushed on a new guy i can't have & my boss is constructively criticizing me at work.

how about the word failure to describe all of it?

being a complete failure, my worst fear ever.

ah. so this is part of the plan. to fix my fear of failure.

so now god has decided to do surgery inside my head.

i guess i should be happy now. it seems to be the only thing to do, to pretend that i haven't just lost 75% of the things in my life that were important to me. at least i have a job, 8,000 people in UBS won't soon. and i have an apartment. not a condo where my equity would be fast falling. i don't have MS, and i can still listen to music. my boss is free with praise when it is due, and gives a fair assessment.

so there.

i don't feel any better. but maybe i'm not a failure.

all my life my two top fears are not being loved & being a failure. we won't talk about the first right now, but how do you think i'm doing with that one? yeah, you'd be right.

i don't understand what's going on. god has some answering to do about right now, and i'm listening...